


Scum Smoothie

by Pinky G Rocket (pinkygrocket)



Category: Psychonauts (Video Games)
Genre: Background Relationships, Comedy, Funny, Gen, Humor, Mild Psychonauts 2 Spoilers, One Shot, Partially Redeemed Loboto, Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:29:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28553913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkygrocket/pseuds/Pinky%20G%20Rocket
Summary: After a visit to the Motherlobe's smoothie shop, Oleander unwittingly gives Doctor Loboto an idea. A lack of forethought on Loboto's part leads to things spiraling out of control in ways he couldn't have predicted. Really though, he should have seen it coming.Oneshot, based on a jokey conversation in Psychowhatits. Contains mild Psychonauts 2 spoilers. Author notes contain spoilers for the fic.
Relationships: Caligosto Loboto/Morceau Oleander, Razputin Aquato/Lili Zanotto
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Blueberry Go-Go

The little smoothie and tea shop in the Motherlobe was empty when Oleander decided to stop by with Loboto. It was lunchtime; agents were frequenting the cafeteria for food, not an overpriced morning health shop. Despite the price, Morry’s sweet tooth couldn’t help himself.

Plus, it was the only place with sugar that he could take Loboto into. Otherwise, he would have to endure Loboto chewing him out for the next two hours. He would rant about how sugar ‘rots your perfect teeth!’, unwilling and unable to stop his verbal onslaught. And quite frankly, that wasn’t how Oleander wanted to spend his afternoon. Sasha and Milla would have been happy to go to any shop with Oleander, but they weren’t here today to spend lunch with him. The pair would be working the night shift tonight.

Behind the counter inside the shop was a teenage girl with her hair in a bun and a name tag that read ‘Jenner’. At the jingle-jangle of the bell tied around the front door, she stood up from leaning against the counter and slipped her phone out of sight.

“Welcome to Psi-Flavor-Blast, your one-stop shop to rejuvenate your health and mind,” Jenner said in a monotone voice as the two approached. “What do you want?”

“One Mango Tropical Punch!” Oleander replied. His voice echoed and boomed against the small walls of the room.

“Uh-huh.” She turned to Loboto. He was standing on his tiptoes, leaning his head back to look at the options scrawled on the menu above them. “And you?”

“I'll have…” Loboto paused and squinted at the menu. "Does that Go-Go-Grow make you grow?"

“No.” Jenner scoffed. “Like you need to get any taller.”

“It's for my little friend here.”

Morry groaned and turned away.

“Are you going to get anything?”

“Hm…” He suddenly beamed when he caught sight of an option in the corner - ‘Build Your Own Smoothie.’ Cooking and working in a lab were two different things, but for Loboto, they were one and the same.

“I'll make my own!” he exclaimed.

Jenner rolled her eyes and pulled out a notepad and a pen. She clicked the pen into place. “What do you want?”

“Well, let’s see… I’ll have strawberries, and bananas, and…”

Loboto’s order went on for a solid three minutes before Jenner started on their drinks. Loboto watched the blenders roar and swirl the food into a delightful concoction. The colors of the juice and fruit blending together reminded him of the bioluminescent swirl of the liquid fresh brains were kept in. Oleander paced around the room, waiting for that cold, tangy flavor.

Soon, the smoothies were done. Jenner slid them onto the counter; Oleander’s cup was filled with an orange-red swirl, while Loboto’s was all the colors of the rainbow.

“Thank you for coming to Psi-Flavor-Blast. Goodbye.” Once Oleander and Loboto got their drinks, she headed into the back without another word.

After they left the shop, Oleander and Loboto decided to have their drinks outside on the main balcony. The sun beat down on the pair, the wind was still and there were only a few clouds in the sky. To avoid (well-deserved) glances from other employees, they decided to have their drinks in the garden. Most people drifted towards the views or the sun, not the shade.

Under the shade of a tree that Oleander couldn’t identify (but Loboto could), the two sipped away at their drinks. Loboto put his feet on the table and leaned back in his chair.

“Y'know, I'm surprised that Go-Go-Crow stuff doesn't make you grow,” said Loboto.

Morry swallowed down the current sip of his smoothie. “Cal, it's just a name. They’re all just names. You never been to one of those places?”

“Just a name?!”

Loboto took his feet off the table and slammed his drink onto the tiny outdoor table. The table rattled against the floor tiles, enough to get Oleander to jump. He waved Oleander forward with his claw. A smile (well, a smile bigger than the one he usually had) crept onto his face.

Oleander looked left, then looked right. They were on a secluded part of the outdoor balcony; there was no one else around. He put down his drink, gave Loboto a raised eyebrow, and leaned in.

After Loboto whispered in his ear, Oleander reeled back. He knew what Loboto was capable of. He removed brains, made monsters - and he wanted to make a special concoction for him?!

“Cal, I don't think that’s-”

“There you two are!!” Raz's cheery voice came around the corner.

Oleander scrambled off the table and stuck the straw of his drink back in his mouth. _Act natural!_ he told himself. Loboto leaned back in his chair, waved at Raz, and shot Oleander a quick wink. In the corner of his eye, Oleander caught Loboto’s wink. He pursed his lips, looked away, and grunted under his breath. Loboto kept on smiling as the inside of his head began to brew with ideas.

A few hours later, Jenner was preparing for a smoke break. At the very least, she would be able to get away from Tosh and her bombastic voice for a few minutes. The rules said that smoking wasn’t allowed at or around the Motherlobe. But no one followed the rules. Hell, she had seen agents walking around, cigarettes or cigars levitating by their sides, and they got nary a glance from anyone.

“Hey! Aren’t you that girl from earlier?”

Jenner whipped around on her heel. Standing in front of her was the screechy voiced, my-order-is-three-pages-long old man from earlier today. She narrowed her eyes and glared at him.

“How the- Actually, y’know what, nevermind.” Head office never listened to her requests to replace the locks. About time someone waltzed in. “Why are you here?”

“My dear, I just wanted to offer you...”

Jenner huffed. Only desperate men and salespeople offered her gifts while she was at work. She looked away and continued to shove things in her backpack. “I don’t care-”

Without warning, the old man shoved a case of drinks into Jenner’s arms.

“Just made today- my delicious, very own Scum Smoothie. Unlike your Go-Lo-Grow - by the way, false advertising, my dear-” He let out a high pitched giggle. “- Scum Smoothie is one-hundred-percent guaranteed to make you grow!”

Jenner eyed the bottles inside the case. Inside the plastic bottles was a thick sky blue liquid. It swirled and curled as it moved inside. The surface of the drink roiled with solid bubbles. A brief stunned look crossed her face. _What the hell?_ Then, her face dropped back to the same permanent frown.

“...Thanks, I guess.” Jenner shoved the case into the nearest fridge and turned back to her locker.

“I’d advise you put it out soon. It does have an expiration date, you know."

“Look, I’ll put it out when I get back, okay? Or Tosh will. She’ll love to.” Jenner threw on her coat and started to head out. “Now leave, or I’ll never hear the end of it from security. Or don’t.” She slammed the door behind her, leaving the strange old man alone in the back room.

Hours later, after Jenner had left for the day and Tosh was the only worker left in the shop, the sun had dipped beneath the horizon. Late sunset light spilled through the windows into the main hall of the Motherlobe. The orange and red hues cast by the sun were turning to blues and purples. The last few daytime agents were streaming out the doors to head back home.

On their way out, Raz and Lili decided to stop by the smoothie shop for a late afternoon refreshment. Tosh’s voice rang out above the sound of the doorbell as they walked in. While Raz waved back, Lili only acknowledged her with a blink. Her eyelids were heavy, and the only thing she wanted besides sugar was sleep.

“Good afternoon and welcome to Psi-Flavor-Blast, your one-stop shop to rejuvenate your health and mind!” There wasn't a crowd behind Raz and Lili, but Tosh called out to the back of the audience anyway. “What can I get started for you today?”

Lili lowered her head to avoid Tosh’s gaze. “Just something quick.”

She looked over the array of options in the chilled shelf in front of the counter. Morning Hype 5, Atomic Sunshine, Dizzie’s… Lili had tried all of them before and didn’t like a single one. Raz, on the other hand, was picking up all the different bottles and cans, eyeing each label before putting it back down and picking up the next one.

“Maybe you'd like to try our brand new, very own Scum Smoothie!” Tosh leaned over the counter and tapped her finger against the cap of one of the bottles. “The two of you could use some!” She laughed. “The first release! Just came in today!”

Lili picked up the bottle and turned it this way and that. Raz leaned in to take a look as well. Upon noticing the bubbles and froth, Lili raised a single eyebrow, while Raz raised both.

“Why is it boiling?”

“And what’s in it?” Raz chimed in. Smoothies didn’t boil. Or was cold boiling a thing? He would have to ask Sasha tomorrow after he got done with his night shift.

“It’s a secret!” Tosh laughed. Lili only narrowed her eyes.

“Tell you what - this is the first sale for this drink. So it’s on the house. Tell us what you think about it tomorrow.” Tosh smiled.

Raz grinned back. “Thank you!” He took one of the Scum Smoothie bottles into his own hands.

“Sweet, free drinks!” Raz said to Lili in his thoughts as the two left the shop.

“Mm… I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Lili replied.

“Oh?”

“That lady reeks of ulterior motives.”

Raz shrugged and slipped the drink into his backpack. While he was turned away, Lili slipped a quick peck on his cheek.

“See you tomorrow.”

Raz turned back to Lili. His face had turned bright red and there was a trembling smile on his face. “Yea… see you.”

Lili giggled.

* * *

After dinner, Lili headed into her room. Careful to make sure that the door was closed behind her, she took Harold out of his cage and sat down on her bed with him. He scurried on her lap and squeaked in excitement. She gave him a small smile and gently petted him with one hand.

“Yeah, yeah… glad to see you too.”

From her bag, Lili pulled out the smoothie that she had gotten earlier that day. She unscrewed the cap and peeled it free from its plastic seal. However, before she put the bottle to her lips, she took a whiff of the drink’s scent.

Her stomach flipped upside down at the smell. Holding the bottle away from herself, she turned to the side and gagged. There was tang, tart, bitter, and sweet, all at the same time. There was also a hint of chemicals that Lili could not identify.

Harold, on the other hand, scratched at the side of the bottle. Once the wave of nausea had passed, Lili poured a bit of the drink into the cap. Her nose was still scrunched from the smell. She placed the bottle, then the cap, then Harold onto the table. He scurried over to the cap, sniffing at it curiously. After a few sniffs, he began to lick at the concoction.

Lili flopped back on her bed and sighed. “At least you like it.”

* * *

Truman woke up to the sound of footsteps rattling the floor and walls. He rolled over in bed to face the end table. The red numbers on the little red LCD clock read two AM. The footsteps thumped against the floor again. This time, he could feel the vibrations coming from underneath the room. _Must be something or someone in Lili’s room._ Grumbling, Truman lifted himself out of bed. He pulled on his robe, stepped into his evening slippers, and made his way down the stairs towards her room.

Closer to Lili’s room, the footsteps got louder. Deep booms shook the walls. Pens, coins, keys, and bottles rattled and jumped with each step. Even the water in the fish tank rippled. Besides the booms, the halls were quiet; it couldn’t be Lili blasting her ambient music again. The shaking, combined with the dark hallways, reminded Truman of watching _Cretaceous Land_ back at the theater.

Truman stopped in front of the door to Lili’s room. Behind it, he could hear Lili laughing and giggling. He rapped his knuckles against the door.

“May I come in?”

A moment and another boom passed through the air. Something heavy tipped off a bookshelf in her room and fell against the carpet, letting out a dull, heavy thump. Truman winced.

“Yes, Papa.” Despite the time, there was not a trace of sleepiness in Lill’s voice.

Truman entered the room, careful to keep his voice down. “Lili dear, it’s two o’clock in the morning, so I-”

Truman stopped dead in his tracks and blinked at what he saw. Then, he rubbed his eyes to get a more clear view. _Did I have too much to drink last night?_

In the middle of Lili’s room was her pet rat, Harold. But instead of being the size of well, a rat, he was the size of a horse. Lili was sitting on top of him, still in her pajamas. There was a smile on her face and a glimmer in her eye. A harsh symphony of clatters and bangs filled the room each time Harold took a step. Even Truman could feel his body rattling from the vibrations.

“I…” Truman trailed off, trying to construct the right way to ask his question. Well, that is, the first of many questions. “Why is Harold giant?”

Lili crossed her arms. “He’s not giant!” she snapped.

“He's the size of a rhinoceros.”

“Oh.” The look on her face melted away. “Well, I gave him some of my smoothie last night.”

Truman went pale. “Your smoothie caused that?”

“Eugh, no. I didn’t make it.” Lili stuck her tongue out. “I got it from that smoothie place yesterday. It smelled really weird... but Harold wanted it, so I figured why not.”

“That only raises more questions.” Truman turned away and shook his head. Taking care of two cats and a rat was already enough work. Taking care of an animal the size of a hippo?!

Lili shrugged. “Most of it’s still left. It’s in the fridge.”

Truman sighed. In the back of his mind, he resigned himself to get changed and start making phone calls. He had to send Lili’s smoothie to the overnight lab.

But, there was a thought nagging at him. _Who would sell something that does this over the counter?_ And at the Motherlobe, no less? Most villains kept their concoctions to themselves. And if they didn't, they sold them on the black market. They didn’t put them in neatly labeled containers to sell them at shops.

Truman began to leave the room, but then stopped in the doorway. “Lili dear, one last question.” He turned back to Lili. Harold had fallen fast asleep on the floor, while Lili was leaning back on his back.

“Do you know anyone else who may have bought this?”

“Uh… just Raz.” The two words rattled around in her brain. Suddenly, her eyes went wide. She jumped off of Harold, ran between her father and the crack in the door, and barreled down the hallway towards his office and the landline.

Truman shook his head. _Always worried about her boyfriend_ , he thought. He headed back upstairs to his bedroom, turned on the lamp, and got dressed. Once out of his nightclothes, he pulled out his mobile phone from the drawer of the end table. It was the size of a brick, with a grey exterior and a black touch screen that could only produce the color green. He dialed in the number for the overnight lab. _Bringggg… Bringggg…_

At the Motherlobe, Sasha was in the lab. He had his eyes to a microscope, avoiding the bright white lights, walls, and floor that would ruin his sleep schedule. Upon hearing the phone ringing, he lifted his head. There were only a few other agents in the lab, and things were slow tonight. He might as well be the one to answer it. He walked over to the phone and picked it up off the receiver.

“Agent Nein, overnight lab… Truman?”

“Nein, I need to send in a smoothie my daughter bought from HQ yesterday.”

Sasha flared his nostrils. “I do not have the time to-”

“It made her rat the side of a rhino!”

Well, that was a different story than the taste-testing Sasha was expecting. “I will send a unit to pick it up.”

Before he could send out a retrieval unit, a beep-beep emanated from Sasha’s phone. He pulled it away from his ear to look at the number on the screen. He blinked from behind his glasses. ‘Gisu’, the screen reported. No one ever called from the intern building. And of those who didn’t call from the intern building, Gisu was the least likely to call.

“Could you hold?” Sasha asked Truman.

“Yes, of course.” Truman’s voice glitched a bit as he talked. _Must be his mobile phone,_ Sasha thought. He changed the number over to Gisu. The moment the call connected, Gisu didn’t even give Sasha a chance to even say hello.

“Sasha-... ...Raz... -entire building was shaking!... -to evacuate- -half the building's gone- -huge hole- -giant footsteps-” Gisu’s words slurred into each other, and she wasn’t stopping for breath. Static and hiss from the phone clouded her voice.

“Slow down. You are talking too fast.” Sasha couldn’t wrap his head around what he could make out. Something about Raz? The intern building was destroyed? A huge hole? Giant footsteps? Was this a prank, or did one of the interns have a nightmare?

“Now, what-”

A _beep-beep-beep!_ cut off Sasha. He pulled the phone away from his ear. ‘Connection lost’, the screen flashed. He frowned.

After the phone interrupted Sasha, his thoughts were interrupted as well by Milla walking into the lab. In her hands was a pair of drinks. The tea was cheap and quick, taken from the free drinks counter. But any tea that helped Milla relax at two AM was good tea in her book. She put the tea down onto the table and slid Sasha’s cup over to him. Noticing his expression, she let out a concerned ‘hm’.

“Is everything alright, darling?”

Sasha sighed and took a sip of his drink. “Gisu called me in a panic. The phone disconnected before I could figure out what she was trying to tell me.”

“Have you tried calling her back?” Milla asked.

The boom of a thunderclap entered the room through the dark windows and echoed around the room. Windows, test tubes, and beakers all rattled. Agents situated at computers grabbed at the sides of the monitors to steady them. Others snatched up loose objects close to the edges of counters and tables. Even the surface of Sasha’s and Milla’s tea shook.

Monitors around the room flashed and the whirr of computer fans sputtered and died. A brief groan shared by several agents crossed the room. Above them, the lights in the room dimmed and flickered for several seconds. Then, the intercoms crackled to life with a _ding-dong_. A robotic woman’s voice spoke through it.

“Attention. The Motherlobe has switched to auxiliary power. Non-essential services may be shut down to conserve power.”

“That must be why I got disconnected,” Sasha remarked.

Milla wrapped her fingers around her cup and pulled it close to her. She gulped down her tea. Her eyes followed the swirl and spin of the liquid; it gave her something to focus on besides her thoughts.

Sasha scrunched his brow. Wasn’t tonight supposed to be a clear night? Even if there was a storm going on elsewhere, the thunder was awfully close. There wasn’t any rain, either…

“I don’t like this, Vodello. Auxiliary power is never a good sign.”

“It’s probably just a storm-”

Another boom filled the air. This time, instead of a thunderclap, the sound was more like that of an explosion. Everything around the pair that wasn’t pinned down jumped and tipped over. Test tubes and equipment fell over, rolled off the table, and smashed against the floor. Even Sasha’s and Milla’s ceramic cups flew out of their hands and shattered into the pieces. Sasha cursed in pain as hot tea splashed against his sweater, soaking through and burning his skin. He had just gotten that washed yesterday! A cacophony of yells and screams rose from the main hall.

“What’s going on out there?!”

“What’s happening?”

“Oh my God!”

“Holy shit!”

“What the hell is that?!”

Falling into a steady rhythm, the booms continued. The room fell dark, then was flooded with light that flashed between red and yellow. Alarms started to screech, filling the air with their two-tone wail.

Sasha found his footing and adjusted his askew glasses.

“That is not a storm, Vodello.”


	2. [Bonus Scene] Morning Mango

Doctor Loboto woke up with a start. His eyes flickered as he rolled over in bed. He was having a nice dream about dolphins, fish, and the beauty of the ocean. Then, a stray thought came in and shattered the dream into a million tiny different pieces. The thought continued as he stood up as fast as he could.

_Are you sure you got your own recipe right, Loboto?_ the thought asked.

It was two o’clock in the morning, and Loboto had checked his recipe a dozen times before and while he was doing his chemical cooking. A thirteenth time couldn’t hurt. Getting back to sleep with glowing cybernetic eyes wasn’t easy, anyhow. Going through his notes might as well serve as late-night entertainment.

Light illuminated his cell as Loboto turned his bedside lamp on. Well, he wouldn’t call it much of a cell. There were books, a desk, a decent bed, and more. He had drifted in and out of damped, claustrophobic jail cells throughout his life. As an expert on the matter, he would be more inclined to call his current living held-against-his-will situation luxury than any sort of prison.

Loboto strode over to his desk and plopped into the seat. Using his bad hand (well, that is, his only hand), he swiped up his journal and began to flip through his notes. With his feet, he kicked the swivel chair away from the desk and spun to the center of the room. _Chairs that spin; what a marvelous invention. I should have thought of that myself._

After a few moments of the sound of flickering paper, Loboto reached the section he wanted. Scrawled in pen under the name of the formula was a pitch, of sorts. “Upon full oral ingestion, the subject’s height will increase by 100%.” Or, in other words, the drink would double the drinker’s height. Perfect for Morry. Perfect for the little brats.

Step by step, Loboto started to walk himself through the recipe. He chattered and talked to himself as he did so; after all, he wasn’t going to get any extra help! At first, he was just repeating himself words he had spoken yesterday; if he wanted to, he could have spoken them through muscle memory alone.

But soon, Loboto found himself raising his eyebrows at his own notes and calculations. Soon, he had to make notes in what little of the margins there were left.

“Hm… let’s see, if that requires that much… six times a day, times four years, minus we’re not fish…”

The moment Loboto realized the error behind his calculations, he dropped his journal out of his lap. He spun his seat, leaned back, and let out a long, loud cackle. If he still had his other hand, he would be tempted to do the evil finger pyramid of complementation. Most mad scientists would only dream of pulling off a stunt like this. Fewer did it by accident. An echo of a boom entered the room, earning another laugh out of him.

An intercom in the corner of the room crackled to life.

“It’s curfew. Quiet down. We have people trying to sleep here.” The voice was rough, heavy, and tired.

Loboto pointed back at the intercom. “Eheheh… I wouldn’t rest your head just yet.”

“What the hell are you on-”

The boom came again. This time, the entire room shook, and Loboto fell out of his chair. He stood up, adjusted his shower cap, and laughed again.

“What the fuck was that?!” the intercom voice shouted.

“Don’t worry! It’s just a happy little accident!” The room shook again. Books fell off the shelf, and the bedside lamp toppled over. The lightbulb smashed against the floor, leaving Loboto in the dark, with only the lights of his eyes cutting through the dark. He continued to smile.

**Author's Note:**

> rocket Yesterday at 8:27 AM
> 
> looks like a tea that doctor loboto would make
> 
> isaiah Yesterday at 8:28 AM
> 
> he read the tea instructions wrong. made plant juice instead.
> 
> rocket Yesterday at 8:30 AM
> 
> drinking loboto's tea is russian roulette. is it delicious, or will it inflict nightmare body horror on you?
> 
> isaiah Yesterday at 8:30 AM
> 
> why not both
> 
> if the leaf water is gonna kill me and turn me into a flesh monster or whatever it might as well taste like sprite
> 
> rocket Yesterday at 8:32 AM
> 
> loboto makes a soda that makes people giant monsters. goggalor irl
> 
> Additional thanks to kibasniper and sincerelymendacious for beta reading.


End file.
